In today’s world, families come in all combinations and sizes. Members of a blended family, also known as a stepfamily, often have multiple important relationships. Children particularly need time to adjust to changes in their family structure and to accept one or more stepparents when their biological parents remarry. There are many ways to create blended families, including marriage and cohabitation.
In a blended family, at least one parent has children from a prior relationship who are not the other parent’s biological children. When these two people start a new family together, they take on the role of stepparent to their partner’s children. The children in blended family may reside with just one biological parent or with both biological parents and perhaps their partners, who become stepparents.
Parenting in a Blended Family is Challenging
The mixing of two or more diverse family units can result in many adjustments for all members of the new family unit. One of the most difficult challenges for many couples is parenting. Being a parent or stepparent in a blended family can be complex because you’re coming from two different worlds and bring expectations about your newly created family.
Often, the children’s biological parent may feel that their authority is being challenged by their partner or by their former spouse and/or their partner. Likewise, stepparents often feel like an “outsider” who is disrespected by their stepchildren and spouse. Children are often caught in the crossfire between frustrated biological parents and stepparents, leaving them feeling confused, angry, or sad.
Different Parenting Styles Can Cause Conflict
Most remarried or cohabitating couples who have children from previous relationships aren’t prepared for the complexities of living in a blended family.
Here is a case example from my practice:
Married for three years, Rick, 45, and Claire, 43 were both recently divorced when they met through a friend and fell in love. Claire has two sons, ages 15 and 10 (from her first marriage), and Rick has one daughter, age 6 from a former relationship. They sought couples therapy to learn to deal with parenting differences that led to high conflict.
Rick demanded obedience from his daughter and two stepchildren and didn’t usually respond to their concerns when they felt his demands were too strict. He has a military background and believes that children need to show respect and need firm limits. Claire, on the other hand, is permissive and tends to place few demands on her children. She disclosed that she feels guilty about leaving her ex-husband and believes that her children deserve a break.
Co-parenting Challenges
Many disagreements arose with co-parenting with Rick and Claire’s ex-partners as well. The conflicts often erupted over group text and their children were also exposed to heated in-person disputes.
Claire explains, “My ex-partner, Nate, is very rigid and expects too much of our kids. When our son Sean got a C on a test, he grounded him for a week, yelled at him, and didn’t discuss it with him. We’re not on the same page and the worst part is that our kids are stuck in the middle and don’t know which end is up.”
During our sessions, I explained four styles of parenting to Claire and Rick to increase their awareness and empathy toward each other, their children, and their co-parents.
Understanding Parenting Styles
According to psychologist Diana Baumrind, there are four main parenting styles. Gaining awareness and insight about them can help blended families navigate the challenges.
1. The authoritative parent
The “tender teacher” is both warm and kind and sets reasonable limits. They’re high in responsiveness, communicate well, and have consistent expectations. Their children tend to be competent and have high self-esteem.
2. The authoritarian parent
The “rigid ruler” is firm but offers little support. Their style of discipline is delivered with too much force and they demand obedience without explaining their orders. Their children tend to be obedient but score lower in happiness and self-esteem.
The permissive parent
This parent is warm and caring but not firm enough. They‘re lenient and have trouble setting limits. They often don’t provide sufficient monitoring or supervision. Their children tend to have trouble with self-regulation, are low in happiness, and have trouble respecting authority.
4. The uninvolved parent
This parent is neither warm nor caring. This parent might be physically present but emotionally absent. This style of parenting can lead to the most negative consequences for children, including neglect, social incompetence with peers, and low self-esteem.
Once Claire and Rick were able to identify their parenting styles and reflect on the styles of their former partners (and their partners), they were able to take ownership and set some realistic parenting goals. First, they agreed not to criticize each other in front of their children and to present a united front.
Next, they invited their former partners to have a meeting of minds to reach some common ground. During this meeting they all agreed that text would only be used to confirm drop off and pickup or the appointments or activities of their children.
6 Ways to Handle Differences in Parenting Styles in a Blended Family
Discuss parenting styles with your partner
Talk openly about your approaches to discipline and consequences for misbehaviors. While you don’t have to have similar styles, attempt to find common ground, and strive to reach compromises in crucial areas such as routines, bedtimes, screen time, and chores.
Set clear rules and discuss expectations with your children
These are for behavior and homework, etc. Explain the rules and reasons for them. Be responsive to your children’s questions. Also, inform your co-parents about these guidelines and expectations.
Establish communication guidelines
Create some rules with your partner – both in your home and when responding to your ex-partners. This includes text, phone calls, emails, and in-person.
Respect all of the parenting styles in the blended family
You may disagree with some of their decisions but strive to find common ground.
Have open lines of communication
In order to build a strong family unit it’s important to cooperate and compromise with co-parents. For instance, if your former partner has stricter bedtime rules, such a lights out by 9pm on school nights, and you have a more lenient bedtime of 10pm, compromise at 9:30pm.
Discuss the roles of parent and stepparent:
Research by Patricia L. Papernow shows that stepparents want more limits on their stepchildren and parents want more warmth and understanding of their children. The role of the stepparent as a disciplinarian can be tricky and the developmental stage of the child needs to be considered because teenagers tend to have more difficulty adjusting to living in a blended family. Papernow explains that connection needs to be established before correction by a stepparent. However, once the stepparent has forged a caring relationship with their stepchildren, they can move slowly into the role of authoritative disciplinary role.
Remember that you and your partner are the foundation of the blended family and it’s a good idea to offer each other supportive comments, such as “What can I do to help make your day less stressful?” Keep in mind that love and trust develop over time among family members in a blended family. There’s no such thing as instant love but things can improve with patience and a commitment to have an “us against the problem” instead of an “us against each other” approach.
