We entered one of our former churches with hope and anticipation. My husband was excited because they needed a new vision and direction, and he clearly knew where he wanted the church to go. I made friends with some women, and one invited me out for coffee. We became friends and started to talk openly with each other for some time.
This seemed great until, suddenly, things went south. This woman broke my trust when I discovered she had talked to other people about me and shared the intimate things that I shared with her in conversations. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe this person would talk about me to others in such a terrible manner. Although I was tempted to share what I knew about her with others, I chose not to.
After that incident, I began to see my world differently. I started to see ulterior motives in every person that I talked to. I waited for the other shoe to drop, assuming the other person would betray me as I had been betrayed before. My inability to view new relationships with optimism and my distrust of others was sabotaging all potential relationships.
The process of forgiving that person was long, but I was successful in doing so. I don’t think about that person with ill will, and I don’t have my anger boil over as it once did. There were times in that forgiveness journey when I thought I would never fully forgive. I thought my anger would have remained with me for the rest of my life. However, God, in his sovereignty and grace, was able to help me love, release that anger, and help me forgive.
Meanwhile, trust is a different, complicated matter. Biblically, God commands us to forgive, but we don’t have to trust our offender again. Trust requires both parties to be willing to repent and have actions that back up that belief.
Here’s how I learned how and when to establish trust with others:
Recognize That Trust and Forgiveness Are Different
When Christians don’t fully understand why they are called to extend forgiveness, they often lump forgiveness and trust together. However, I am only commanded in Scripture to forgive others. I do not have to trust them. This is especially true if a person does not demonstrate that they can be trusted. If a person continues to display destructive behavior repeatedly, it’s not wise for me to trust them.
Furthermore, a person with a rebellious attitude who doesn’t respect authority or doesn’t respect my views in a relationship doesn’t deserve to have a relationship with me. Forgiveness is a gift I give others because of Jesus’ forgiveness of me on the cross. However, that is not the same for trust.
Understand That Trust Must Be Earned
Trust must be earned. People must show and prove that they are different so I can trust them again. For example, a person who has been unfaithful to me romantically would have to prove they were over their adulterous ways before I would ever have a relationship with them again. A person who merely says they won’t be unfaithful again yet repeats their actions isn’t trustworthy. Sometimes, it takes a short time for a person to regain trust. Other times, it takes a long time. Regardless of the timeline, a person must demonstrate consistent changed behavior for me to rebuild trust.
A person needs to demonstrate consistent repentant behavior because I must protect myself from those whose sinful ways may cause me mental or emotional harm. When my friend talked about me to others, she crossed a line that could never be crossed again.
We will never be friends again, so I must protect myself from those who may try to emulate that behavior. Now that I can see the signs, like when a person is becoming distant or cold to me, I can set up proper boundaries to protect myself.
Acknowledge That a Repentant Heart Is Essential
So often, in the name of grace, we allow people to continue to walk all over us. However, that is dangerous and toxic. Jesus never let anyone walk all over him. He discerned people’s hearts and motives.
He knew when people were serious about following him wholeheartedly, and he also knew those whose hearts were not entirely devoted to him. Whenever someone’s heart was not wholly dedicated to them, he asked them to let go of what kept them from having a pure relationship with him. In every instance, those people refused his call and never returned.
Jesus had good boundaries. He knew who to include as his followers and who not to. For example, the rich young man told him he had done everything to follow him, and Jesus told him there was one thing he lacked: to sell all he had to the poor and then follow him. He knew the man would walk away unhappy because he was wealthy. His love for money outweighed his love for Jesus (Matthew 19:16-22).
Although Judas did not show any repentant behavior even up until Jesus was crucified, Jesus must have seen something special in him. Perhaps there was deep remorse and true repentance from Judas when the guilt he felt for betraying Jesus led him to kill himself (Matthew 27:5). Maybe Jesus knew Judas’ heart wasn’t entirely into betraying him. Judas loved money, but Jesus also spent a lot of time with Judas and must have known that Judas didn’t want to follow along with the plan to sell Jesus to the religious leaders.
Jesus gave Judas until the Last Supper to repent. When Judas showed no sign of repentance, Jesus called him out and told the others plainly about Judas’ plan. He didn’t sweep it under the rug and say it was okay. He told the truth to all his disciples about what would happen.
People must be fully repentant to have a relationship with you. No matter how much you love someone, you can’t change a person’s heart. Only the Holy Spirit can. If a person is not fully into the relationship, they will do whatever they can to please themselves, leaving your heart and feelings out of the equation. Jealousy and envy can also enter the relationship and cause the other person to do whatever it takes to bring you down so they can feel better about themselves. A repentant heart is essential for trust to be regained in a relationship.
Realize You Aren’t To Give Your Heart Away Too Freely
The problem with my relationship with my friend was that I believed she was further along spiritually than she was. I didn’t know she was spiritually immature and couldn’t handle hearing my flaws and weaknesses. Because she had such low self-esteem, she used my vulnerability against me to elevate herself around others. This is because she had made some bad choices in life. Those bad choices kept her bound in an emotional jail cell and riddled with guilt.
I need to know people’s stories and where they are spiritually before I take them at their word. I should also tread lightly regarding who I tell my intimate secrets to.
Be careful who you trust in life. The betrayal you may receive from someone who has not earned that trust can be detrimental to your present and future relationships. Be wise and discerning, and be careful about who you trust. This will allow you to have rich and rewarding relationships.
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